The Howard Family

Yesterday was one of those days where I couldn't help but think, is this really my life? I was sitting there covered in spit up, Cason was screaming cause he was so tired and kept fighting his naps, and Riley was standing there in a poopy diaper that had been needed changed for far too long, hitting me because she wanted ANOTHER fruit snack that I kept giving her because I just needed her to be quite long enough for Cason to just fall asleep! I haven't slept more than 5 hours a night since Cason was born and Im sick! I just wanted to cry! I feel like if I could just go into my room maybe three times a day and cry for just 10 minutes, then I would feel better! I want to give up on nursing because I feel like it rules my life, and Im just tired! I want to be able to take a shower at LEAST every other day. I cant even get a second to take a 5 minute shower! I want to take a relaxing shower! I can't seem to even get in a shower unless Riley is with me, asking me to give her soap every 5 seconds and tripping over her and her yelling at me cause Im in her way!
Even when I actually get out, or me and Nate get to go on a date, I sometimes don't even enjoy it cause I am constantly worrying about the kids, and if Cason is crying for who is watching him. Or if he is asleep I can't help but get upset that I am out, while he is sleeping perfectly in his bed, which is my only time for sleep and now I am missing out on my oppurtunity to actually get some rest. I just keep telling myself its all worth it. And I know that it is, its just hard sometimes. Last night, Riley wanted me to read her a story before she went to bed, so I read her a story while she laughed at the way I read it. Then as I brushed her teeth she wanted me to give her a hug after ever brush. So I would brush a little and then she would hug me, and brush then hug. We were both laughing. Then we said prayers and she sat there and hugged me as I said the prayer. She went to bed perfectly, as she always does. But as I closed the door, she said: "Mommy!!! I wanna Kiss" so I go back to kiss her for the hundredth time and she smiles and then snuggles up and gets all comfy to fall asleep. I go and feed Cason. While Im feeding him I just kept thinking I cant wait till he is done and asleep so I can just lay down my achy body. and then I realize the sheets are still in the washer, not even dry yet. Then Nate comes home early from school! I was so happy to see his face! He starts cleaning up the hundreds of diapers all over the place and cleans everything spottless. I'm sure he doesn't know what it meant to me, but it meant a lot. Then I finally got the baby to sleep and we went to grab a quick bite to eat, while my mom watched the kids. We laughed a lot. It was good for me. I Love him. He is seriously my best friend. I love spending time with him. I love how goofy he is and he doesn't even know it. I love when he comes into a room I'm in and he will just give me a touch on the back to know that he loves me. I love how I get to sleep next to him every night, and feel safe. I love his cute face! I just love him more and more every time I see him! And I love knowing that he loves me just the same! Even though he comes home to me with spit up and poop stains on my shirt, and I am in my sweats for the hundredth time with my hair a mess and sometimes my makeup on and smeared from the day before!
When we went to bed and we gave each other a good night kiss I couldn't help but get little butterfly's that I am going to be with this man for the rest of eternity!

And then Cason woke up for his feeding about 4am. I love this baby more than I can even describe. He woke up to eat, and halfway through I notice through my sleepy eyes that he is just starring at me. when he was finally done, he just layed there smiling and gigging at me. Even though it was 4 in the morning, I couldnt put him back in his bed. Even though I was so tired that my eyes were stinging and my head was spinning, I just layed there next to him whispering to him and kissing him. And he just kept smiling at me until he finally fell asleep.

I know that most days are not easy. But I love every second I get to be there with my kids and they get to be here with me. I love being their mom. I love teaching Riley, even though it results in putting her in timeout a minimum of probably 10 times a day, but I know that she is learning. I see it everyday. I love being there for Cason, and I love knowing that he needs his mommy. And although sometimes its not the funnest job in the world, I love it. I wouldn't do it any other way!

In church on Sunday we had the BEST lesson in relief society about the second coming. I was sitting there thinking about the judgment day and thinking what do I even do now to be a good person and go the extra mile to help or serve someone. But I started thinking about 2 little people that I serve all day long. It made me start to cry. Because I got this overwhelming feeling that I am taking care of Heavenly Father's babies! And that I was entrusted with these sweetest spirits to teach and to raise and to comfort when they are sad or hurt, (or hungry:)) I want to do the best job that I can, because I know that I am doing it for Him. The scripture that says, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these My brethren, ye have done it unto Me." And I know that this applies to me as well being a mom. I love my family and I love Savior. I am grateful for the blessings I have been given in my life, and even though my life is not easy, I do know that it is all worth every second of hearing a baby cry, or changing a poopy diaper.

Sorry this is probably a long post, I just wanted to write down how I was feeling.